| and i cant wait for you to take me away... |
[07 Dec 2010|07:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 excited |
] |
so last i wrote in here i was really fucked up in the head...
but i'm better now.
i start school on the 6th so i'm excited.
Brian is flying down here on the 30th so we can be together again...
and im just really excited.
my life is finally coming together.
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| this song explains ronnie and my relationship to a tee. |
[07 Nov 2010|12:28pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
I keep thinkin' bout that little sparkle in your eye
Is it a light from the angels, or your devil deep inside?
What about the way you say you love me all the time
Are you liftin' me up to heaven, just to drop me down the line?
There's a ring around my finger,
But will you change your mind?
And you tell me that I'm beautiful,
But that could be a lie
Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
What if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker?
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I won't be leavin' here alive, no
Temporary happiness is like waiting for the knife
Cause I'm always watchin' for someone to show their darker side
So maybe I'll sit back and just enjoy all this for now
Watch it all play out, see if you really stick around
But there's always this one question
That keeps me up at night
Are you my greatest love
Or disappointment in my life?
Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
What if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker?
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I might as well lay down and die
I'm holding on with both hands and both feet, oh
Promise that you won't pull the rug out from under me
Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride
I pray to god you're not a heartbreaker
This time around I won't survive
Cause if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leavin' here alive
I might as well lay down and die, oh
I won't be leavin' here alive
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| you're a crazy bitch..... |
[11 Sep 2010|11:26pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
So tomm. I start this insane diet.... 500 calories a day....I can only drink water but its all good. My moms been on this diet for a little over a month and lost about 30ibs so I'm down. Ronnie and I have been uh....intresting. I think I have a small crush on his best friend but they brought it on themselves. But yea that's it.
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| blah... |
[25 Aug 2010|02:31am] |
so I finished my G.E.D test...
i'm hoping i did well. fingers cross.
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| i want to imagine six impossible things for breakfest.... |
[27 Mar 2010|09:26pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
] |
so.... i guess my mind has been in some really fucked up places lately... and it's effecting my outlook on life... i've taken it out on my boyfriend who really does love me...or so he says... lol
i guess i just remeber being little... you know...that innocence we had back when we were little girls dreaming big...
i wanted to be a cheerleader...and go to my prom... and fall in love..and have that love like the chic flicks..where the guy rescues me...lol
i guess when were little we have this bright out look on life... and when we grow up we loss that outlook.
its sad it really is... i guess thats why i love kids so much...they have this outlook like the world is a great thing... and than they grow up and you know... other kids fuck with them... you fight with your parents... you have your heart broken so many times you cant count...
i guess my boyfriend is right... i cried today and told him how i felt... that i wish i could go back and make better decisions... but he said you cant live in the past...you fucked up and now your trying to fix it...and i am... i'm getting my high school diploma...i want to go to college... but i would be just about done if i would have gone right after high school... i've wasted so many years fucking slacking... hanging out with people...getting involved with drugs...wanting to be grown when i just wasnt ready.... the state reconizes you as an adult at 18.... but you know what...? i was not an adult at 18...i still fucked up... i dunno maybe it has something to do with how i was raised...you know? hey lets move my kid out at 16 and hope she makes the right decisions.... ha what the hell was she thinking????? but you know.... the past is the past.... i guess i just have to let it go... and move on.... i dont know im just rambling.... haha so i drank today... i haven't drank in forever.... i guess the anti depressents fucked me up... lol so maybe i'll just drink to go to bed???? i dunno i guess i'll talk 2 my doctor..... maybe i'm just fucked up in the head? fucking inbalance chemicals in my head.... i hate family genes... my mom says everyone crazy, just some people have a better way of hiding it....
haha well i suck at hiding my emotions... im just one big emotional mess....
i wish it would rain so i could go play in it like when i was younger... i always felt so refreshed after doing it... i havent played in the rain in forever....
i wish i could make myself feel normal again......
blah blah blah im just bitching...
i guess its true... you cant hid from who you've become... but i kinda hate everything that i've become....
i want to go back to being little before i realized how fucked the world is...
but im grown i realize the world is fucked up and that you can go only as far as you push yourself...so i guess im gonna start pushing really hard.
im done bitching....
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| i am such a sap... |
[26 Mar 2010|07:58pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
lol so i just got done watching twilight movie again for like the 50th million time... and when it first came out i was so against it...lol it seemed so stupid but i love this movie... i really do its like on of my favorites.... but anyways... I want a love like that... lol
i mean i am in love...but i dunno... im such a sap for love storys...and the fact that there is a vampire in it...makes it like 1000000000x better. im sick... lol
i dunt know... i guess i just want something that feels like the 1st time over and over and over again... lol like the feeling you get b4 the first kiss... like you know? the feeling of is he gonna kiss me...is he not... will he think im good enough? i dunno i miss the butterflys.... i wanna go back to being like 12...before all of the messed up choices ive made... i dunt know... im so confused... lol im pmsing i think...
and the really fucked up part is i'm back on my anti depressents...and im depressed...how in the fuck?
i guess im not ready to grow up..but i dont really have that choice...
hmmm i love ronnie i really do... but i hate how cocky he is... lol like he swears up and down that hes the best looking guy ive been with...and dont get me wrong he is really fucking hot... but hes only seen a couple of my exs... i mean im sorry but my ex brian was really fucking sexi... but you know it is what it is...we live with the choices of our past and just move on i guess. lol
dont mind me im just going nuts! gahhfdmkvfdkjhvndnfrejfgvbfjd nvjhdghfewhdb fchdb hjdhhysuzhuifedjebvdujdfn
kill me slowly please....
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| I'm not sure how I want to feel.... |
[26 Mar 2010|10:39am] |
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mood |
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 lethargic |
] |
So... the last couple of nights I've been reading entries in here from way back when... like when i started this thing back in '04. It's kind of depressing... lol. I mean... i was really kind of fuck up back than...and when i look back on things that i tried to push out of my memory i wonder why i was so blind...
I mean for example... Johnny...what in the hell was i thinking? lol
I mean in no way, shape or form were we right for eachother. I mean there are so many entries about how i was upset because he decided to go out and get high... and end up in the hospital and than call my best friend first! what in the hell!!!! lol i mean we had a few different split ups and yet we would always get back together... why? why was i so blind...did i not realize that he was no good for me? lol than again i dont exactly have the best taste in men.... if anyone knows about some of the men i dated.... lol but yea...and theres an entrie from back when i was 16 or so....wondering what if im not a success... what if i dont go to college... and everyone told me not to worry that i'll be fine... lol well i guess most of them were wrong. lol i mean i'll be 22 in april... i dropped out of high school... i haven't gone to college... lol i like with my freaking parents for goodness sake! lol but i guess i'm trying to correct this... but still how did i know when i was 16 that i wasnt going to go down the route i had wanted to go since i was a little girl? bah growing up sucks major ball. and than i had so many friends...lol so many people that i used to talk to... that i really thought i would keep in contact with, i no longer talk 2. i wish i still talked to them.... and you know how the friends that used to make me smile... and joke around with and drive aimlessly around south florida... but i guess when you grow up you find out who your real friends are. which kind of sucks because now i have prolly less friends that i can count on my fingers. i dont know i guess im just rambling....i just wish i could go back to being 13...and know the things i know now. i guess i might have spoke up about my feelings... not got involved with the people or the things i had... not dropped out school.... ignored alot of people who got to me... and i would prolly be alot more sane than i am... i wonder how if i could go back...how my decisions would change my life? i mean i guess you shouldnt look at the what ifs...but i guess looking at your mistakes and trying not to make them again can change your life... even if your still a little fucked up.... lol. i dont know thats my rant... lol i havent done one of these in awhile.... but yea... i miss being young... i miss having all the friends i had... i miss everything that once was....but yea...whatever this is pointless....blah!!!!!!
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| I'm not sure how to feel anymore... |
[21 Mar 2010|09:08pm] |
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mood |
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 restless |
] |
so i'm not sure how to feel anymore...
I think I'm at another point in my life were i just feel completly and udderly lost.
I'll be 22 in lest than a month... I'm getting fucking old man.
I miss my old neighboorhood, running around with my friends, getting high and doing whatever the fuck it is that we were doing.
I didn't like it back than and i was so depressed for whatever reason and I guess I wanted to grow up way to fast but now that I'm grown up, I'd give anything to go back to being 15 and being in school and hanging out with who i used to hang out with...but know it seems none of us even talk anymore... we grew up...different intrest...different groups i guess.
but it is what it is... we grow up and the kids werent alright back than and apparently most of us arn't alright now...but thats okay...we live and learn and i hope and pray that my child whenever that time does come does not make as many mistakes as i have made.... but we'll see when that times come.
and a few days after my birthday... I'm getting on a plane and flying across the united states to come face to face with the man who gave my mother a child.
I'm not sure what I will say or how it will go over...but I know that this man will most likely shit himself when I say hi dad... lol.
so i'm not really sure if i'm prepared for this... or how i'm going to cope. I know he will most likely want nothing to do with me because he has a life of his own...hes been married to his wife for almost 20 years...and he has a daughter whose 15.... and i know most likely this will wreck his life in more ways than it has messed with my life.....
and thank god my mother will be there to catch me when I fall. because i know that it will stun him to see my mother and me....he hasnt seen my mother in about 23 year.... and knew she became pregnant with me..but i guess because he was in cali and my mother was in fl that he didn't have to deal with me...but I'm 22 and i'm going to be knocking on his door... and i think that its best that i deal with it now... than to i guess never answer the questions i've had since i found out... this is a bunch of rambling and im not really sure why im rambling but i guess my man gets tired of me ranting and raving..so i'll do it in this like i used to back in the day. lol god i was such a fucked up little girl... and now... im just a fucked up adult. lol. and i cant wait till i grow up all the way and get done with school. lol and start a family of my own....and if whomever is the father of my child thinks hes gonna run and doesnt want to deal with his child... boy does he have another thing coming... ummm.... but yea im done.. i guess... im so out in lala land... i guess i just need to rant and rave sometime.
i hate what i've become.... but i'm getting better.
one day at a time.
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| I am so flipping happy!!!! |
[06 Mar 2010|02:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
So... i did a people search... and found a women with a very Japanese name and she had a some name john t hall and i called her. and it turns out that it was my grandmother. so i am very very excited. she is going to have her son call me or try to get him to call him. we talk for awhile she got to know me a little and apologized for me not knowing my father growing up. even though i told her that i was adopted by another man at a young age and did not know he wasn't my biological father till i was 13. so hopefully he'll call... if not i have her phone number and a couple of address i can use... so if i just show up to cali he wont have much of a choice.... lol
hahaha omg so accomplished mood is a little star by a computer... how fitting. i love the internet!
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| i think i found what i've always been looking for... |
[01 Mar 2010|07:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 nostalgic |
] |
So many of you know the father who has raised me from day one is not my biological father. And I have been on a search for the man who is my biological father since I found out at the age of 13. and I think I may have found him. and if i did... and if the 2 teenagers i found on myspace with his last name and his town that he lives in and if they are part japanese then i might have 2 half siblings. a brother 17 named jordan and a sister named brittney. now its not for sure but brittney in the picture i did see (her profile is completely private) she looks a lot like me. I know a lot about him but for some reason i'm not sure if i want to do this. i mean he knew i was in my mothers stomach....yet he still left. but he was only 23... i would have ran to if that was me. i mean he was 23, on a business trip at a bar, had a weekend fling and then the chic who you had the weekend fling with turns up pregnant. i would have ran 2. but apparently my mom called his mom and she wanted nothing to do with the idea of me... how could you turn your back on the fact that you may in fact have a grandchild? i dunno it hurts to know that his family wanted nothing to do with me and now here i am... almost 21 on a search to find him. my dad did a good job of raising me so why am i looking for a man who didnt want me? maybe its to fill a whole in my heart and my soul. for closure. if you don't want to deal with someone you helped create, get over it suck up your pride and be there... even if your not with the mother because in the end that child will have some sort of issue. i just want to know him... and let him know im not upset at him and that i understand why i just wish he would have given me a second thought.
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| I wish you knew how much I cared.... |
[07 Feb 2010|09:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
So hello livejournal users,
I'm not really sure why I'm writing in here but I feel like it. lol
I'm at my babysitting job even tho today isn't a normal day...
but I had to make up for my hours i missed for my stupid doctors appt.
I hate Doctors...they think they know everything.... lol
so he put me back on my old meds which is adderall to help with the concentration and my "ditzyness" as my boyfriend likes to say.
It doesn't feel like it used to...or at least I dont thin it does.
i'm def. more focus no doubt about it... and the weightloss is always a plus.
but i feel as tho im not really myself... so hey maybe i do need some happy pills!
Damn family genes... lol but Ronnies not liking the side effects... cuz im kinda blah but i told him it might take me awhile for my body to adjust.... I just hope its soon. i'm more i dunno...like i get upset really easily. its not really all that fun.
but on the brighter note... i'm gonna be going to school again and i'm gonna hit it like no kiding... lol i need to get my shit together like now. but if you didnt know i moved back to s.fl and moved out of the pyscho bitchs house... i couldnt do it... not after someone steals all of my jewelry... fucking cunt. lol but im pretty much over it... i dunno i figured id just do an update...
grrrrrr.....
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| so anyways... |
[12 Dec 2009|01:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
hi live journal world.
So I guess I write in this when I want to rant and rave about shit...
so heres my rant and rave...
I'm living with a friend and her soon 2 be husband and 2 kids.
I moved 4 hours away from the one thing that matters to me which is my fiance... 2 help her out with the kids and shit cuz shes got health problems. I do what i can to contribute 2 the house considering im only workin one job that i dont even make 200 dollars a week. I clean, i feed the baby i change the baby i do everything i can for her 2 make her life easier and the one fucking time i dont do fucking dishes when she asked me 2, she acts like its the end of the world... now just to note i hate fucking dishes... and i've done them the past 3 fucking times and you wanna be a bitch cuz i dont fucking wash everyones freaking dishes! now from about 3-4 there is a sink full of dishes now your not gonna tell me i created them all? i fucking hate people and the way they think they can walk all over someone.... im gonna get a 2nd job so i never have 2 be in this fucking house she can have her kids and her life and i'll just work save my freakin money and move the fuck back home than maybe she'll regret being a bitch over fucking dishes. why are people so selfish, self seeking inconsiderate fucks?
lalala all im going 2 think of is myself and what i can do to turn anothers persons life into a living freaking hell.
but anyways i guess ill go do the stupid dishes so she can take the clean dishes and shove em up her fucking ass....
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| Happy Birthday lyssa!! |
[21 Sep 2009|10:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 dorky |
] |
Happy birthday alyssa. ur finally 21! woot... we've been friends for awhile like 8 yrs or more and ive watched u turn into a wonderful young lady and i want you to know ur my world and im not sure who i would be if u werent in my life... or if id even be alive... you've helped everyone you could and now ur all grown up! lol i love u chica i hope u have an awesome birthday!
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| wow |
[10 Jul 2009|01:36am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
wow so its been forever since i posted in this thing....
im engaged
im in school
im actually happy with the way life is going
the only thing that sucks is i have no fucking friends
lol oh well anyways thats my update maybe i'll write more in here... well see.
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| so i havent written in this thing in forever! |
[05 Jul 2008|06:53pm] |
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i wonder if anyone ever remembers about this shit... lol im alright still breathing. i dunno im just bored and i was wondering if this shit still existed which apparently it does. if anyone reads this shit lemme know... somehow some way...
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[14 Dec 2006|04:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
life..is well interesting... i havent written in this thing in forever...
but im alive...
jobs okay... i got a promotion.. im a customer service manager.... yay for running around like a chicken like my head cut off!!!!!!
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| so right now my life = AMAZING!!! |
[17 Aug 2006|09:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
] |
So i've been out of the loop for awhile... but just to update everyone... i dont live in springs anymore... i live in tampa/palmetto. so at first it sucked big time... i hated it... but hey im a teenager..i dont really like change! lol. but than i got a job... i work at walmart its the shit... lol thats why im up this fucking early...
work is amazing... everyone there is so nice...and i have an adopted mommy at work...she is so amazing... lol she ties my shoes and smokes ciggs with me... lol. she like 40ish somewhere...shes very amazing...
but than theres a boy... lol and most of you are prolly thinking oh god... she gonna do it again...
but he is fucking amazing...he makes me feel so special and he makes me dinner and cuddles with me..and gives me these amazing massages... lol. we've been dating since the 14th...
he is the best... i really do like him...and i really enjoy his company...
and the most amazing thing about him is not really what i think..but what my mom and jon think....
they approved!!!! hahahah i almost shit myself when they told me that... they met last night and i had to like drag bobby out the house cuz him and jon were just talking like 2 old friends...and my mom kept smiling at me... im so happy now....
i mean dont get me wrong i miss you all in springs...but its nice to be happy again...
at least this happy....
i havent been like this with the whole crushing since...well most of you should know his name...
but hopefully that wont end the same... cuz this boy is amazing...and hes all i ever really wanted... oh man... im gonna fall on my ass for this one!!! haha...but yea i should finish getting ready for work and shit...
oh and yea leave your number here cuz i lost alot of my numbers when i lost my phone!
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| yea.... |
[15 Jun 2006|03:19am] |
well life is interesting to say the least...
dont have my phone so i need everyones number.... lol
erm.. i dont know what to type...cuz im kinda done telling everyone my business...so yea...if you need to know...you will.
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| owe... |
[11 May 2006|08:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
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amused |
] |
just got my lip pierced by charlie ouchie. it didnt wanna go in.
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tainted_heart16's journal